Don't have sex

Last night, Wednesday, January 19, 2010, I left my warm cozy little home and headed north to Long Grove, Iowa for my first real night back at work.  I left my tiny little baby in the arms of a capable husband.  Said my good-byes to my sweet little boy and my husband, got in the car, and shed a couple tears.  My Honda Pilot roared to life and the exhaust system spewed out toxic waste into the atmosphere.  I could see my breath as I drove down my street.  Eventually the heater kicked in and the interior of my SUV began to feel like a Wednesday in the Bahamas. 

Okay, enough descriptiveness.  Onto why I told a 16 year old girl to not have sex last night.  To protect the girl's identity, we'll call her "Pricilla".

Pricilla:  JULIA!!  I started working at that school, and this guy I work with is SOOO HOT!!

Julia:  Oh really?  Remember, sex can wait.

Pricilla:  He's 22!

Julia: Dear Lord!  Stay away from him.

P:  What?  I'm not going to have sex with him!  I'm only 16.

J:  And that would make you jailbait for him.

P:  Yeah I know.  But he's reeeally hot!

J:  If you have sex with him, you will get hemorrhoids.

P:  What are hemorrhoids?

J:  **facepalm** and shakes head disapprovingly   A hemorrhoid is something you really don't want to get.

P:  How do you get them?

J:  By having sex.

P:  Just by having sex?

J:  Well, not directly.  But if you get pregnant and deliver a baby, you will get "the roids". 

P:  But what are they?

J:  Okay...  (clears throat)  Well, your butthole is basically a muscle.  You know, your "o-ring", your sphinter?  Anyway, that muscle is full of veins that blood is carried to to keep your poop from falling out all over the place.  When you put great pressure or force on you butthole, sometimes those veins pop through the fibers of the muscle and kind of push out.  So when you poop, your poop presses on the nerves that gets pushed out too and its so painful you just want to die.  And when you look in the toilet, there may be blood.

P:  stares blankly

J:  Don't have sex.  You'll get hemorrhoids.

AM I GREAT AT MY JOB OR WHAT!?!?!?!